The Truth About Henry Stanton

My obsession with a 19th century marriage

This book really changed my mind.

I have to wonder about the marriage of Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Henry Stanton. She was one of the first women to call for women’s rights so forcefully, as well as one of the first to very publicly call for liberal divorce laws that would allow a woman to more easily end her marriage (and allow her to keep custody of her children should that happen). I wondered: was it personal experience that inspired such a radical proposal? Yes, it’s gossipy, personal and intrusive to wonder. But I’m human, I’m nosy, and I subscribed to US Weekly and People magazine for a significant percentage of my life. So I didn’t just wonder, I was absolutely thirsty for the truth about their marriage. Especially because there just isn’t much information about it.

The main thing everyone says about Henry Stanton is that he was never home—in fact, so rarely that he managed to miss the births of all seven of his children. It is also said that he deliberately left town for the Seneca Falls convention, fearing that it would be a farce. His signature does not appear on the Declaration of Sentiments, presented at the event. Nor does his name appear in the minutes.

He also doesn’t appear much in any of the suffrage books I’ve read, including Elizabeth’s biographies and autobiographies. So I’m left parsing some of her famous lines like I’m analyzing Taylor Swift lyrics, wondering about the real story behind the words. I know she was mad that “Henry could come and go as he pleased” while she was stuck at home with the kids and dishes. She must have been referring to him when she bitched about men being able to lock themselves in their studies for days at a time when they wanted to write up a document. But who was she speaking about when she said, “Many a man who advocated equality most eloquently for a Southern plantation, could not tolerate it at his own fireside.” Was it her Henry?!

Then again, there is also the time in Kansas when a man spoke up at her speech to say that his wife had had eight children—was that noble enough work? Elizabeth just looked him up and down and said, “I have met very few men in my life worth repeating eight times.”

When I was poking around the Seneca Falls historical society, I asked if they had anything on their marriage. They handed me the book An Uncommon Union: Henry B. Stanton and the Emancipation of Elizabeth Cady Stanton by Linda C. Frank. That was years ago, I only just got around to reading it. And it turns out, Henry Stanton is not the man we all thought he was.

To start, Henry Stanton had divorced parents—in 1823, when almost no one had divorced parents. Not only that, but his mother Susanna, who was “born before nerves were invented,” was excommunicated from their Church for refusing to return to her marriage with an abusive man who went bankrupt and abandoned her. Henry Stanton was raised by a divorced, single mother. He stayed close with her, and not his father.

In the 1830s, Henry dedicated his life and work to abolition. He was charismatic, radical and brave; he faced down angry mobs with words “like living coals.” None other than Frederick Douglass declared him “unquestionably the best orator.” Henry delivered thousands of speeches and trained other anti-slavery agents, including the Grimké sisters who were among the first women in America to take to the stage and speak to mixed audiences and condemn slavery. Henry was one of their greatest champions in an era where they were one of the biggest scandals.

He met Elizabeth while both were visiting her cousin, Gerrit Smith, an extremely wealthy abolitionist. There was attraction. Excellent chat and conversation. Romantic horseback rides through the woods. Before long, they were engaged.

Their honeymoon was the World Anti-Slavery Convention in London, where Henry was a delegate. This convention would become legendary for unintended reasons—the men spent most of the time debating whether to admit women. Relegated to the balcony upstairs, Elizabeth and delegate Lucretia Mott bonded and agreed something ought to be done about women’s rights. Through Henry, Elizabeth discovered the world of radical activism and reform work instead. As their daughter Harriot later said, “Her marriage got her out of an element not best for her growth, and into an element congenial with every element of her being.”

Surely, Henry wasn’t perfect. Elizabeth’s rage that inspired the Seneca Falls meeting was real (To quote a line from a play I just saw: “no one is in love when they’re raising children.”). His work as lecturer, lawyer and politician did take him away from home for long stretches of time. Surviving letters show him longing for home and family. But Elizabeth and her kids also destroyed a lot of her most personal letters (alas for the future historians and snoops!) so we don’t know the truth and probably never will.

But on Valentine’s Day in 1851, when he was serving in the state legislature, Henry presented her petition demanding the right for women to vote. If that is not romantic, I don’t know what is. It makes me rethink his absence at the Seneca Falls convention. The author of the book has determined that he was likely in residence at that time (no evidence remains to place him elsewhere). It is entirely possible that during the Seneca Falls convention, Henry Stanton stayed home with their three sons so that Elizabeth could take the lead.