I had to restrain myself from bringing Martha Stewart into this post, but a sequel would definitely be about how she is one of the very few women to make a f**cking fortune off of housekeeping and homemaking. She made it valuable. I think that's why there was a witch hunt to take her town.
Another post that it’s hard to hit the “like” button for, because there’s nothing to “like” about this except for your labor to pull the argument together. Kind of like housework in that sense. I personally am a man who enjoys household labor, particularly making dinner and doing dishes (so finite and accomplishable) and back in the day, having alone time with my sons to free Claire up to do Claire things. We ran wild in a Wolfpack! Your point about dividing and conquering is apt. Equal toilet cleaning under the law: if you use it, you need to help clean it. Is that so hard? Evidently yes, which is maddening.
Thank you for your wonderful comment. This in particular should be on a t-shirt or bumper sticker: "Equal toilet cleaning under the law: if you use it, you need to help clean it."
I also like your point about doing the dishes. I don't think we talk enough about how good it feels to do it because a lot of the tasks are finite, accomplishable and you can clearly see the results. And you can see the benefit someone else gets for it. Cheers to you on household labor!
For my entire career I've been producing stuff for other people to critique/tweak/reject, and occasionally like. So when I reach the end of my workday, my mind always turns to a self-sufficient delight that I can produce: What would taste REALLY GOOD for dinner tonight? It's so satisfying to stand at the stove and feel the creative heat rising. Oooh. Maybe I'll add paprika to those chicken breasts! And doing the dishes is an ASMR avalanche, with all that warm water and gentle clink-clink-clinking. Home chores are an underrated pleasure, even if the job is never actually finished, until you are. But especially: when those chores are not forced, unequal labor, but rather a gift domestic partners give to each other, and themselves.
Fabulous - and the Mexican President! Of course a fricking woman just says ‘this will solve it’ and creates a pension - seems so bl**dy obvious in retrospect! But like rocket science before it’s suggested!! Bravo.
Exactly! And one of the reasons we find ourselves burning out is that neither we nor anyone around us sees all that Not-Job Work as Work. It just gets rolled up as “life” and then what masquerades as work-life balance still finds us working All. The. Time.
The facts you cite, Maya, in the face of the about-to-be current administration are utterly chilling. I still shake my head at the whole "trad wife" phenomenon. My mom was one of those and it nearly sent her directly into the yellow wallpaper. Thanks for reminding us. You ought to post this quarterly.
Thank you :-) I have not even been able to write about the trad wife phenomenonsence. It's so enraging. Hope your mom is okay. But I will say...imagine if all these broligarchs had to do their own laundry, make dinner and clean up after? I think the world would be radically different.
I've been a homemaker for 25 years. I don't love every task. Who likes cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the bathtub? But I'd have to do it anyway, even if I worked outside the home or shared the job with whoever I was living with. Every outside job has tedious, repetitive tasks that must be done as well so I'm not getting out of it with outside employment either.
I've actually found this to be a pretty awesome gig. I'm provided a car that's insured, a house that's insured, free reign on decorating it to my exact tastes, and all my food is provided. I do have to abide by a budget, but who doesn't? I get health insurance with dental. My car is maintained for me. My taxes are paid. My lawn is mowed and weeded for me. A kitchen garden is planted for me every spring for my use. I have a handyman at my beck and call for home maintenance. I have a closet full of clothes, shoes, outerwear, etc that's been provided. I even get to choose everything myself and don't have to abide by a dress code. I have a father for my children who helps drive the kids to school and activities and helps with homework, especially math which I hate. He sometimes cooks and does a little cleaning but I never have to fix the car, snake out the drains, or climb the ladder to the roof of the house. I think that's a pretty fair exchange for the fact that he hasn't cleaned the toilet in the last 25 years.
I get all this for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, handling household paperwork, childcare, counseling and consoling children, planning social events and holidays and shopping for clothing, food and household goods. It's a pretty well paid position, IMO.
In addition to the above, job perks also include
-day's off, work breaks to relax in my own home with my own things, (no employee break rooms for me), freedom to explore and learn new things, a very flexible, self-crafted schedule, that allows for ease in making hair, doctor or other self-care appointments.
-Getting to serve the people I love most in the world and I'm served in turn as well.
It helps that the one who "pays" me for all my work also loves me. I love him too.
I love that the stay at home wife/mom life has been successful for you. You make a great point about having to do this work even if you worked outside of the home; it’s one way to deal with something many of us struggle with. You also make a great point about having direction over your own schedule—that’s why so many people value working from home. Especially if they do not have the financial option of not working.
I think housework, child care and homekeeping is the vital work that makes the world go round and should be valued accordingly—and not just from a spouse. It should be a true choice to do it exclusively and it should not depend on a romantic relationship. (see also: https://mayarodale.substack.com/p/how-free-love-could-destroy-the-patriarchy). It also doesn’t need to be divided along gender lines.
What happens in event of the loss of a partner or a partner’s ability to provide? You would lose your health insurance, dental, income and you would have to help with the math homework...and still do everything you’ve been doing. I believe there’s a way we could restructure our world so that everyone truly has the choice to pick the path that works from them and to provide protection in the form of community support in case things go awry. Life happens and no one should have to deal with it alone.
Sincerely,
Maya, who would rather snake the drain than fold the laundry (and who married a man who folds the laundry).
"What happens in event of the loss of a partner or a partner’s ability to provide? You would lose your health insurance, dental, income and you would have to help with the math homework...and still do everything you’ve been doing."
I've always had a plan B in mind and that has changed over the years. My three daughters are 25, 23 and 15 now. When the first two were very young, and before number 3 came along after an 8yr gap, I wasn't that long out of the job market. I have a business degree and worked 10 years before having children. At that point, I would have jumped back into working and their grandmother would have provided childcare. There was always the safety nets of disability insurance, life insurance, and my husband's social security that my girls would have received until 18 in the event of his death. As for math homework, I would have had to muddle through it with them and take advantage of in-school tutoring.
When the first two were a little older and number 3 was here, I looked into what would be required to provide home daycare in my state. I knew of a couple of other women who made a decent amount providing care in their homes and in addition to the above safety nets, and family help, we would have been fine. It wouldn't have been easy, but it would have been fine.
Now, with the baby who is 15, the house much closer to being paid off, retirement age being within site and a good 401k that my husband has plus a few investments that I started and have let grow from my younger working days, we will be ok. I'm freer now, so that, if necessary, I could get a medical assisting diploma in 15 mos and get decent enough work to cover health insurance until retirement if something happens in the next 10 years or so. Again, with the financial safety nets, it would be doable. I also have adult children who would be more of a help than in years past.
It's never good to not have a plan b. It seems most dual income couples would be in a real pickle as well without a plan b with both incomes needed to make ends meet. Most have a main breadwinner and could lose 50% or more of their household income in the event of something happening.
My husband had a terminal illness and I cared for him for three years before he died. Our daughter was 13 when he died. Emotionally, I still don't think we are over it. But we were married (it helps with death duties) and he had life insurance, so it paid for the house. Without that financial break we would have been in dire trouble. I am so glad for women who can afford to be a housewife, but make sure you have a back up plan.
I am happy to read of your happiness in your marriage/relationship. From your own words, it does sound equitable, or at least balanced to your satisfaction.
Unfortunately for other SHMs, they undertake the same tasks you have listed, but are not afforded the same job perks that you described…
“ In addition to the above, job perks also include
-day's off, work breaks to relax in my own home with my own things, (no employee break rooms for me), freedom to explore and learn new things, a very flexible, self-crafted schedule, that allows for ease in making hair, doctor or other self-care appointments.”
When one person is tasked with the majority of domestic labour, with no encouragement and support to pursue their own interests; freedom to explore and learn new things, that is where the imbalance becomes evident. A SHM in this situation isn’t just working without financial compensation but is also deprived of the autonomy, flexibility, and recognition that should come with any demanding role.
Without support, her schedule revolves entirely around the needs of others, with little room for personal growth or rest. When domestic labour is seen as a given rather than a shared responsibility, it reinforces an uneven dynamic - one where her contributions are invaluable yet undervalued.
Equity in a relationship isn’t just about who does what; it’s about whether both partners feel fulfilled, respected, and free to shape a life that includes their own aspirations, not just those of their family.
An excellent article. It is true that there is an standard of perfection that is expected to be achieved by women who are also working hard outside the home, and have very little help with childcare. No wonder so many women divorce when they retire - men then have free time but women still have the housework!
I love whipping the house into shape, I just want to do it for an hour a day and then have it stay nice for 23. but being home with littles means I have to be in it and watch it get all out of shape all day, and either fight the entropy minute by minute or wait til a reset after they’re in bed. It’s irritating, but houses don’t stay tidy when kids are awake in them. I’m glad to have kids, and excited for them to get old enough to have chores.
My late husband loved to cook, and so we often had friends around for dinner. It was the only time I made a huge effort to tidy and clean the house. Of course, the house was not in a terrible state, and I did not have to do it. But I loved the moment just before the friends arrived, when our daughter was in bed (toys tidied), the house was clean and it was quiet. Then the doorbell would ring ...
Exactly. I got married in 1996, ffs, and my ex STILL forced most of the housework on me by just not giving a shit, which meant that I did it or suffered a filthy house. Now I look back and say WTAF!!!!!!
This writing has given words and historical context to a deep and growing unrest about how I’ve spent the last 41 years of my life living for the service of others…..whom I DEEPLY LOVE and always say I’d do it all again. But would I? If I had had choices, would I have chosen to be the sole SAHM to my 12 amazing humans and my life partner who has shown up for all of it. It’s chilling for sure to be in our current situation as a nation, the full unrelenting grab and dismantling of the “progress” we have made since The Emancipation Proclamation, Women’s Suffrage, end of child labor the Civil Rights of the 1960’s. All to be ripped down and sold to that highest paying person. Dystopia surreal all day long
I know, right? You missed out on the opportunity to die in a war. Or slave away in a factory, having no children. Think of all those cool things that you missed out on!
So - because you’re brilliant and capable - you would trade housework, or working in a factory (and the theoretical risk of death during pregnancy) for becoming an infantryman? Repeat after me, soldier, “what makes the grass grow?” Response, “blood, blood, blood!” “What’s the spirit of the bayonet?” Response, “to kill, kill, kill!”
See you in Ranger School when the next war happens. Girl power!
Wait. They're rolling back women's suffrage, reinstating child labor and taking away civil rights? Where did you hear this? Why is nobody reporting it? I thought they were only shutting down agencies that were just fronts for grifting tax payer's money.
But none of the links say what actually IS happening. It's all speculation using words and phrases like "might possibly," "may" and "could" that gets everyone upset over nothing. It's what the media does. 90% of what they speculate never happens and even when it does, it's supposed effects are no where near as horrible as they claimed.
Rolling back some regulations and changing some procedures are a far cry from dismantling women's suffrage, civil rights and bringing back child labor.
Newly married women's votes won't necessarily be disenfranchised just because they have to bring an extra piece of documentation if their driver's license and birth certificate don't match. The SAVE ACT already requires in the legislation for the states to allow other forms of proof of citizenship in the case of the two main ones not being a match. Sure it may mean that a small number of women who want to vote in a particular election may have waited too long and may miss a deadline but it won't stop them from rectifying their registration for the next opportunity. It won't be anywhere near enough numbers in any given location to throw an election from one side to another. If they are newly married, they will already be dealing with providing numerous documentation to change banking account names, social security card, driver's license etc so if they have the papers to make those changes, they will be able to provide whatever is needed to change their voter registration.
Rolling back a regulation on child labor laws, which isn't something that Trump has done to date (the article cited was from Oct and was speculating, not reporting facts), doesn't mean that children are being forced to work, it means they may be allowed to do tasks that are now prohibited. Being allowed doesn't mean an employer would allow it and if permitted, doesn't mean they won't be required to be supervised closely while doing the task.
The civil rights issue is being done because the requirement conflicts with our already anti-discrimination laws that are in effect.
We all already have enough stress. I personally won't allow the media to have me stressing out about things they are scare-mongering about that most likely won't happen.
I am only engaging for the sake of others who want to see and learn.
Do you not understand how rights work? Suffrage etc was not won in one fell swoop. And it won’t be striped away in one act.
You are not stating your opinion in a very curious way as to gain understanding.
You sound commixed to believing the lies they are using to explain their ILLEGAL dismantling. Maybe in a few more months (or years) when it’s far too late to preserve the equality we have today, maybe then you will understand what is happening.
the caricatures are fascinating because it’s exactly what wives and mothers must have felt watching their husbands and sons. they would disappear for hours, everyone knew they sure as fuck weren't doing anything useful, then they’d have the cheek to come home and put their feet up, have a smoke and whine that they couldn't catch a break. meanwhile wives and mothers were on call 24/7 unless they had an army of servants or slaves. cooking, cleaning, washing, sewing, caring for children. husbands probably going out gambling and drinking leaving them with distressed kids
even now wives and mothers are pretty much living the same way. it doesn't stop when the kids grow up either. my mother is awake 19 hrs and gets interrupted sleep because my father is terminally ill and medically fragile, he can't go to the toilet by himself in the night in case he falls over. she keeps 19 hr days taking care of him. she cannot just sleep when he sleeps all day, there's things to do. if he's awake he wants her to sit with him or bring him something or he's up and down fretting when she's not in the room. she can't even take a dump in peace.
the professional carers help him with showering but they don't really know what they're doing and keep fucking everything up. she doesn't trust them to administer his meds.
Good article! Thank you. Loved seeing the cartoons illustrating fears about women’s suffrage. Great idea to include that historical perspective.
I must say that I enjoy cleaning house when I have the time, energy, and financial support that allows me to do the tasks mindfully. Housework can be satisfying and calming. In my experience, decorating, gardening, and sewing for a home are a joy.
It just so happens that I have an undergraduate degree in Home Economics which was called Human Resources and Family Studies. Food and nutrition, textile science, interior design, consumer economics, clothing design, tailoring, and family relationships all fall under the umbrella of Home Economics.
My degree ended up being a wonderful foundation for my life. I chose this field of study because I was particularly interested in fashion design, interior design, and possibly becoming a home economics teacher.
College level home economics requires a unique combination of science and art. I took two semesters of chemistry (the same chemistry taken by the premed students who are into science, which I am not) organic chemistry, microbiology, physiology, food science, and textile science, in addition to clothing construction, interior design, where I learned how to draw blueprints, fashion design, food prep where I learned to throw the perfect dinner party, consumer economics, where I learned how to budget, family relationships, child development, and education classes.
Almost every one of my classes included a lab as well as lectures. Home Economics students were in class more than any other student that I knew. Every day started with an 8 o’clock class, and I often went straight through to the end of the day. Then we had to study and finish our projects.
Not only was I in chem lab, physio lab, microbiology lab, and clothing lab, I also took art classes where I learned to draw from a nude model. They were all-nighters where I finished tailoring a coat, or sewing my latest dress design. I was also required to work in the university daycare center where I planned all kinds of fun activities for toddlers, including making pizza.
Of all the students I knew, only pre-med students studied more or had a more grueling schedule. Not even the engineering students.
And yet, people accused me of going to college to get an Mrs. degree. My English instructor asked me why anyone would need to go to college to learn to bake a cherry pie.
I replied, “You don’t need to go to college to bake a cherry pie, however, if you want to understand the chemical processes that occur while the pie is cooking, or the physiology of how the body digests a pie, or the nutrition of the different elements that go into a pie, then you might want to get a degree in Home Economics. By the way, making a perfectly flaky pie crust from scratch is not at all easy. I’d like to see you do it.” (Honestly that’s what I wish I’d said now that I’ve had 50 years to think about it. Lol) At the time I sat mute but furious.
Forgive the rant, but this seemed like the right place, and I couldn’t resist. Home Economics is an incredibly useful and difficult field of study, but because it is often seen as women’s work, the field is denigrated. Running a home well is also, unfortunately, undervalued. There are few more important jobs in the world. Homemakers are the heart and soul of our country.
After graduation, I used my home economics degree to go into kitchen design and worked for the most expensive cabinet in the United States, St. Charles Kitchens. I loved my job. When I became a mother, I worked full-time until my daughter was eight years old. Then I thoroughly enjoyed being a stay at home Mom.
Unfortunately, I divorced and the 10 years I took off work cost me dearly in terms of my financial future. Despite that, it was worth it.
When we had our kid, we were taking care of my husband‘s grandparents, and so our house was always full of a combination of family members, friends, caregivers and us. We were a village living under one roof. All I can say is I’m very grateful for the division of labor and wouldn’t have it any other way even though it wasn’t planned. Our kiddo grew up with many different people, giving them love and care, my husband and I were still able to work both in and outside of the house, and none of us came out, completely overwhelmed or exhausted.
I had to restrain myself from bringing Martha Stewart into this post, but a sequel would definitely be about how she is one of the very few women to make a f**cking fortune off of housekeeping and homemaking. She made it valuable. I think that's why there was a witch hunt to take her town.
Another post that it’s hard to hit the “like” button for, because there’s nothing to “like” about this except for your labor to pull the argument together. Kind of like housework in that sense. I personally am a man who enjoys household labor, particularly making dinner and doing dishes (so finite and accomplishable) and back in the day, having alone time with my sons to free Claire up to do Claire things. We ran wild in a Wolfpack! Your point about dividing and conquering is apt. Equal toilet cleaning under the law: if you use it, you need to help clean it. Is that so hard? Evidently yes, which is maddening.
Thank you for your wonderful comment. This in particular should be on a t-shirt or bumper sticker: "Equal toilet cleaning under the law: if you use it, you need to help clean it."
I also like your point about doing the dishes. I don't think we talk enough about how good it feels to do it because a lot of the tasks are finite, accomplishable and you can clearly see the results. And you can see the benefit someone else gets for it. Cheers to you on household labor!
Semi-finite (if that’s a thing) —- those dishes just keep on coming, even while in the midst of the washing-up!
I feel like there should be a word for the experience of finding one last dirty dish after the dishwasher is fully loaded and running. Argh!
New word you're looking for: dish-heartening.
Hah!
For my entire career I've been producing stuff for other people to critique/tweak/reject, and occasionally like. So when I reach the end of my workday, my mind always turns to a self-sufficient delight that I can produce: What would taste REALLY GOOD for dinner tonight? It's so satisfying to stand at the stove and feel the creative heat rising. Oooh. Maybe I'll add paprika to those chicken breasts! And doing the dishes is an ASMR avalanche, with all that warm water and gentle clink-clink-clinking. Home chores are an underrated pleasure, even if the job is never actually finished, until you are. But especially: when those chores are not forced, unequal labor, but rather a gift domestic partners give to each other, and themselves.
100% Beautifully said :-)
Yes, that last sentence, Peter. It’s also fine when there is turn-taking rather than the euphemistic “division of labor.”
Fabulous - and the Mexican President! Of course a fricking woman just says ‘this will solve it’ and creates a pension - seems so bl**dy obvious in retrospect! But like rocket science before it’s suggested!! Bravo.
Exactly! And one of the reasons we find ourselves burning out is that neither we nor anyone around us sees all that Not-Job Work as Work. It just gets rolled up as “life” and then what masquerades as work-life balance still finds us working All. The. Time.
YES!
The facts you cite, Maya, in the face of the about-to-be current administration are utterly chilling. I still shake my head at the whole "trad wife" phenomenon. My mom was one of those and it nearly sent her directly into the yellow wallpaper. Thanks for reminding us. You ought to post this quarterly.
Thank you :-) I have not even been able to write about the trad wife phenomenonsence. It's so enraging. Hope your mom is okay. But I will say...imagine if all these broligarchs had to do their own laundry, make dinner and clean up after? I think the world would be radically different.
I've been a homemaker for 25 years. I don't love every task. Who likes cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the bathtub? But I'd have to do it anyway, even if I worked outside the home or shared the job with whoever I was living with. Every outside job has tedious, repetitive tasks that must be done as well so I'm not getting out of it with outside employment either.
I've actually found this to be a pretty awesome gig. I'm provided a car that's insured, a house that's insured, free reign on decorating it to my exact tastes, and all my food is provided. I do have to abide by a budget, but who doesn't? I get health insurance with dental. My car is maintained for me. My taxes are paid. My lawn is mowed and weeded for me. A kitchen garden is planted for me every spring for my use. I have a handyman at my beck and call for home maintenance. I have a closet full of clothes, shoes, outerwear, etc that's been provided. I even get to choose everything myself and don't have to abide by a dress code. I have a father for my children who helps drive the kids to school and activities and helps with homework, especially math which I hate. He sometimes cooks and does a little cleaning but I never have to fix the car, snake out the drains, or climb the ladder to the roof of the house. I think that's a pretty fair exchange for the fact that he hasn't cleaned the toilet in the last 25 years.
I get all this for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, handling household paperwork, childcare, counseling and consoling children, planning social events and holidays and shopping for clothing, food and household goods. It's a pretty well paid position, IMO.
In addition to the above, job perks also include
-day's off, work breaks to relax in my own home with my own things, (no employee break rooms for me), freedom to explore and learn new things, a very flexible, self-crafted schedule, that allows for ease in making hair, doctor or other self-care appointments.
-Getting to serve the people I love most in the world and I'm served in turn as well.
It helps that the one who "pays" me for all my work also loves me. I love him too.
I love that the stay at home wife/mom life has been successful for you. You make a great point about having to do this work even if you worked outside of the home; it’s one way to deal with something many of us struggle with. You also make a great point about having direction over your own schedule—that’s why so many people value working from home. Especially if they do not have the financial option of not working.
I think housework, child care and homekeeping is the vital work that makes the world go round and should be valued accordingly—and not just from a spouse. It should be a true choice to do it exclusively and it should not depend on a romantic relationship. (see also: https://mayarodale.substack.com/p/how-free-love-could-destroy-the-patriarchy). It also doesn’t need to be divided along gender lines.
What happens in event of the loss of a partner or a partner’s ability to provide? You would lose your health insurance, dental, income and you would have to help with the math homework...and still do everything you’ve been doing. I believe there’s a way we could restructure our world so that everyone truly has the choice to pick the path that works from them and to provide protection in the form of community support in case things go awry. Life happens and no one should have to deal with it alone.
Sincerely,
Maya, who would rather snake the drain than fold the laundry (and who married a man who folds the laundry).
"What happens in event of the loss of a partner or a partner’s ability to provide? You would lose your health insurance, dental, income and you would have to help with the math homework...and still do everything you’ve been doing."
I've always had a plan B in mind and that has changed over the years. My three daughters are 25, 23 and 15 now. When the first two were very young, and before number 3 came along after an 8yr gap, I wasn't that long out of the job market. I have a business degree and worked 10 years before having children. At that point, I would have jumped back into working and their grandmother would have provided childcare. There was always the safety nets of disability insurance, life insurance, and my husband's social security that my girls would have received until 18 in the event of his death. As for math homework, I would have had to muddle through it with them and take advantage of in-school tutoring.
When the first two were a little older and number 3 was here, I looked into what would be required to provide home daycare in my state. I knew of a couple of other women who made a decent amount providing care in their homes and in addition to the above safety nets, and family help, we would have been fine. It wouldn't have been easy, but it would have been fine.
Now, with the baby who is 15, the house much closer to being paid off, retirement age being within site and a good 401k that my husband has plus a few investments that I started and have let grow from my younger working days, we will be ok. I'm freer now, so that, if necessary, I could get a medical assisting diploma in 15 mos and get decent enough work to cover health insurance until retirement if something happens in the next 10 years or so. Again, with the financial safety nets, it would be doable. I also have adult children who would be more of a help than in years past.
It's never good to not have a plan b. It seems most dual income couples would be in a real pickle as well without a plan b with both incomes needed to make ends meet. Most have a main breadwinner and could lose 50% or more of their household income in the event of something happening.
Your comments gave me so much to think about that I ended up writing a whole new post. You can read it here: https://mayarodale.substack.com/p/the-original-trad-wives-were-the
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story with us!
My husband had a terminal illness and I cared for him for three years before he died. Our daughter was 13 when he died. Emotionally, I still don't think we are over it. But we were married (it helps with death duties) and he had life insurance, so it paid for the house. Without that financial break we would have been in dire trouble. I am so glad for women who can afford to be a housewife, but make sure you have a back up plan.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to keep your home.
This kind of life depends upon marrying a rich man and remaining in his favor.
I am happy to read of your happiness in your marriage/relationship. From your own words, it does sound equitable, or at least balanced to your satisfaction.
Unfortunately for other SHMs, they undertake the same tasks you have listed, but are not afforded the same job perks that you described…
“ In addition to the above, job perks also include
-day's off, work breaks to relax in my own home with my own things, (no employee break rooms for me), freedom to explore and learn new things, a very flexible, self-crafted schedule, that allows for ease in making hair, doctor or other self-care appointments.”
When one person is tasked with the majority of domestic labour, with no encouragement and support to pursue their own interests; freedom to explore and learn new things, that is where the imbalance becomes evident. A SHM in this situation isn’t just working without financial compensation but is also deprived of the autonomy, flexibility, and recognition that should come with any demanding role.
Without support, her schedule revolves entirely around the needs of others, with little room for personal growth or rest. When domestic labour is seen as a given rather than a shared responsibility, it reinforces an uneven dynamic - one where her contributions are invaluable yet undervalued.
Equity in a relationship isn’t just about who does what; it’s about whether both partners feel fulfilled, respected, and free to shape a life that includes their own aspirations, not just those of their family.
Please, yes, a pension for the years I stayed home! I worked hard and did important work and have been punished severely for it.
An excellent article. It is true that there is an standard of perfection that is expected to be achieved by women who are also working hard outside the home, and have very little help with childcare. No wonder so many women divorce when they retire - men then have free time but women still have the housework!
I love whipping the house into shape, I just want to do it for an hour a day and then have it stay nice for 23. but being home with littles means I have to be in it and watch it get all out of shape all day, and either fight the entropy minute by minute or wait til a reset after they’re in bed. It’s irritating, but houses don’t stay tidy when kids are awake in them. I’m glad to have kids, and excited for them to get old enough to have chores.
My late husband loved to cook, and so we often had friends around for dinner. It was the only time I made a huge effort to tidy and clean the house. Of course, the house was not in a terrible state, and I did not have to do it. But I loved the moment just before the friends arrived, when our daughter was in bed (toys tidied), the house was clean and it was quiet. Then the doorbell would ring ...
Exactly. I got married in 1996, ffs, and my ex STILL forced most of the housework on me by just not giving a shit, which meant that I did it or suffered a filthy house. Now I look back and say WTAF!!!!!!
This writing has given words and historical context to a deep and growing unrest about how I’ve spent the last 41 years of my life living for the service of others…..whom I DEEPLY LOVE and always say I’d do it all again. But would I? If I had had choices, would I have chosen to be the sole SAHM to my 12 amazing humans and my life partner who has shown up for all of it. It’s chilling for sure to be in our current situation as a nation, the full unrelenting grab and dismantling of the “progress” we have made since The Emancipation Proclamation, Women’s Suffrage, end of child labor the Civil Rights of the 1960’s. All to be ripped down and sold to that highest paying person. Dystopia surreal all day long
It’s complicated, because we love them. But our love shouldn’t be held against us or used to hold us back from living our lives to the fullest.
I know, right? You missed out on the opportunity to die in a war. Or slave away in a factory, having no children. Think of all those cool things that you missed out on!
Many women have died in war and worked in factories. Both women with children and without.
In fact, more women have died in childbirth than people have died in combat from 1900 to 2019 (source: https://www.womanstats.org/combatmaternaldeaths.html).
So - because you’re brilliant and capable - you would trade housework, or working in a factory (and the theoretical risk of death during pregnancy) for becoming an infantryman? Repeat after me, soldier, “what makes the grass grow?” Response, “blood, blood, blood!” “What’s the spirit of the bayonet?” Response, “to kill, kill, kill!”
See you in Ranger School when the next war happens. Girl power!
Wait. They're rolling back women's suffrage, reinstating child labor and taking away civil rights? Where did you hear this? Why is nobody reporting it? I thought they were only shutting down agencies that were just fronts for grifting tax payer's money.
The SAVES act looming in congress effectively will disenfranchise a large number of married women.
https://www.glamour.com/story/save-act-could-stop-millions-women-voting
The current administration is reversing many longstanding civil rights policies.
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/justice-department/trump-reversing-justice-departments-civil-rights-policies-rcna189657
And state governments are eliminating labor protections for kids and it’s expected to get worse under Project 2025 and this new administration.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/oct/16/child-labor-regulations-project-2025
Thank you for having all the links for what’s happening.
But none of the links say what actually IS happening. It's all speculation using words and phrases like "might possibly," "may" and "could" that gets everyone upset over nothing. It's what the media does. 90% of what they speculate never happens and even when it does, it's supposed effects are no where near as horrible as they claimed.
Rolling back some regulations and changing some procedures are a far cry from dismantling women's suffrage, civil rights and bringing back child labor.
Newly married women's votes won't necessarily be disenfranchised just because they have to bring an extra piece of documentation if their driver's license and birth certificate don't match. The SAVE ACT already requires in the legislation for the states to allow other forms of proof of citizenship in the case of the two main ones not being a match. Sure it may mean that a small number of women who want to vote in a particular election may have waited too long and may miss a deadline but it won't stop them from rectifying their registration for the next opportunity. It won't be anywhere near enough numbers in any given location to throw an election from one side to another. If they are newly married, they will already be dealing with providing numerous documentation to change banking account names, social security card, driver's license etc so if they have the papers to make those changes, they will be able to provide whatever is needed to change their voter registration.
Rolling back a regulation on child labor laws, which isn't something that Trump has done to date (the article cited was from Oct and was speculating, not reporting facts), doesn't mean that children are being forced to work, it means they may be allowed to do tasks that are now prohibited. Being allowed doesn't mean an employer would allow it and if permitted, doesn't mean they won't be required to be supervised closely while doing the task.
The civil rights issue is being done because the requirement conflicts with our already anti-discrimination laws that are in effect.
We all already have enough stress. I personally won't allow the media to have me stressing out about things they are scare-mongering about that most likely won't happen.
I am only engaging for the sake of others who want to see and learn.
Do you not understand how rights work? Suffrage etc was not won in one fell swoop. And it won’t be striped away in one act.
You are not stating your opinion in a very curious way as to gain understanding.
You sound commixed to believing the lies they are using to explain their ILLEGAL dismantling. Maybe in a few more months (or years) when it’s far too late to preserve the equality we have today, maybe then you will understand what is happening.
the caricatures are fascinating because it’s exactly what wives and mothers must have felt watching their husbands and sons. they would disappear for hours, everyone knew they sure as fuck weren't doing anything useful, then they’d have the cheek to come home and put their feet up, have a smoke and whine that they couldn't catch a break. meanwhile wives and mothers were on call 24/7 unless they had an army of servants or slaves. cooking, cleaning, washing, sewing, caring for children. husbands probably going out gambling and drinking leaving them with distressed kids
even now wives and mothers are pretty much living the same way. it doesn't stop when the kids grow up either. my mother is awake 19 hrs and gets interrupted sleep because my father is terminally ill and medically fragile, he can't go to the toilet by himself in the night in case he falls over. she keeps 19 hr days taking care of him. she cannot just sleep when he sleeps all day, there's things to do. if he's awake he wants her to sit with him or bring him something or he's up and down fretting when she's not in the room. she can't even take a dump in peace.
Care givers need care themselves :-)
the professional carers help him with showering but they don't really know what they're doing and keep fucking everything up. she doesn't trust them to administer his meds.
Good article! Thank you. Loved seeing the cartoons illustrating fears about women’s suffrage. Great idea to include that historical perspective.
I must say that I enjoy cleaning house when I have the time, energy, and financial support that allows me to do the tasks mindfully. Housework can be satisfying and calming. In my experience, decorating, gardening, and sewing for a home are a joy.
It just so happens that I have an undergraduate degree in Home Economics which was called Human Resources and Family Studies. Food and nutrition, textile science, interior design, consumer economics, clothing design, tailoring, and family relationships all fall under the umbrella of Home Economics.
My degree ended up being a wonderful foundation for my life. I chose this field of study because I was particularly interested in fashion design, interior design, and possibly becoming a home economics teacher.
College level home economics requires a unique combination of science and art. I took two semesters of chemistry (the same chemistry taken by the premed students who are into science, which I am not) organic chemistry, microbiology, physiology, food science, and textile science, in addition to clothing construction, interior design, where I learned how to draw blueprints, fashion design, food prep where I learned to throw the perfect dinner party, consumer economics, where I learned how to budget, family relationships, child development, and education classes.
Almost every one of my classes included a lab as well as lectures. Home Economics students were in class more than any other student that I knew. Every day started with an 8 o’clock class, and I often went straight through to the end of the day. Then we had to study and finish our projects.
Not only was I in chem lab, physio lab, microbiology lab, and clothing lab, I also took art classes where I learned to draw from a nude model. They were all-nighters where I finished tailoring a coat, or sewing my latest dress design. I was also required to work in the university daycare center where I planned all kinds of fun activities for toddlers, including making pizza.
Of all the students I knew, only pre-med students studied more or had a more grueling schedule. Not even the engineering students.
And yet, people accused me of going to college to get an Mrs. degree. My English instructor asked me why anyone would need to go to college to learn to bake a cherry pie.
I replied, “You don’t need to go to college to bake a cherry pie, however, if you want to understand the chemical processes that occur while the pie is cooking, or the physiology of how the body digests a pie, or the nutrition of the different elements that go into a pie, then you might want to get a degree in Home Economics. By the way, making a perfectly flaky pie crust from scratch is not at all easy. I’d like to see you do it.” (Honestly that’s what I wish I’d said now that I’ve had 50 years to think about it. Lol) At the time I sat mute but furious.
Forgive the rant, but this seemed like the right place, and I couldn’t resist. Home Economics is an incredibly useful and difficult field of study, but because it is often seen as women’s work, the field is denigrated. Running a home well is also, unfortunately, undervalued. There are few more important jobs in the world. Homemakers are the heart and soul of our country.
After graduation, I used my home economics degree to go into kitchen design and worked for the most expensive cabinet in the United States, St. Charles Kitchens. I loved my job. When I became a mother, I worked full-time until my daughter was eight years old. Then I thoroughly enjoyed being a stay at home Mom.
Unfortunately, I divorced and the 10 years I took off work cost me dearly in terms of my financial future. Despite that, it was worth it.
Great ‘stack, Maya! Some real gems here.
Thank you!
When we had our kid, we were taking care of my husband‘s grandparents, and so our house was always full of a combination of family members, friends, caregivers and us. We were a village living under one roof. All I can say is I’m very grateful for the division of labor and wouldn’t have it any other way even though it wasn’t planned. Our kiddo grew up with many different people, giving them love and care, my husband and I were still able to work both in and outside of the house, and none of us came out, completely overwhelmed or exhausted.
That sounds wonderful!
It was fortunate for our family directly because, I’m a horrible cook ;-)
Reminds me of Phyllis Diller's quote "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Honestly, women vote with their hearts and it pisses me off. It was a mistake.